a girl, her pets & her autoimmune disease.

Pet crazy. Why yes, I am!

2009-04-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

They are my days & a pretty good part of my nights. They're all the children I'm ever going to have, & they comfort me so well if I'm crying about this. They make my husband & I laugh endlessly & sometimes frustrate the beans out of me.

It's more cleaning than most people would willingly do to have them in my home, but what's a little dog hair & bird seed in exchange for unconditional love?
My husband does grouse about not going anywhere because we have to find sitters for 6 animals!
Really, it's only for one special case: Sake.

He has a 3 medication-twice-a-day heart problem. He pees (& poos!)on a pad inside that he often misses. oh-- & he bites. Since he's my dog, I know what triggers him & the signs to watch for. But he's a headcase for sure & a damn cute one at that.
What do you do with this kind of dog if you want to go on vacay?

The cat is easy as cat pie. I can board her & the birds at the same reputable clinic they are seen at, a place I really like with a staff I equally like & trust. She's a special girl; the last link to my former life, before MS, before marriage, when Gambit was still with us.

Kismet, our new girl, our last for a while! Is pocket sized & I plan to take her with me as many places as I can manage.

Hopefully we can afford to go home to California in July since there's now a flight from Eugene to Oakland for super cheap. That's if we can find a dog sitter for Sake....

Destiny? no, it's Kismet.

2009-04-06T22:08:00.000-07:00

Formerly named "Karma", but happily accepting "Kismet"-- & everything else about her new life. She's spent most of the day sleeping on my sick husband, who picked up a snotty cold from a 2 year old house guest we had last week. Husbands are pitiful sick people. Impossible to soothe & resistant to anything you offer them that might help. J. has been downing mugs of Sleepytime tea & alternating between sleeping on the couch or playing PC games on his laptop in bed. Kismet is ever present.

Sick husband aside, the pet grand total is now 6. & that's it, cos I signed a contract with my ever patient husband stating I wouldn't bring home another unless one of ours was no longer of this planet. It wasn't actually so easy, but I'll spare you the details & just say she's my early birthday present.

Don't worry, everyone else is still here. Parrot, canary, spotted dog, grouchy little dog & hidey Siamese cat. Who is the most work? The parrot, grouchy little dog & cat. Those who have the tendency to scatter food or litter, or have a potty pad they miss sometimes & needs changing regularly. Ah, but I love them dearly.

I finally started a class at the local community college here & am relishing the homework & new collection of stationary supplies it entails. Backpack, binder, dividers, highlighters, oh! I do love it all. Especially the having somewhere to be. I feel important crossing campus, taking my seat & listening up. It's off to bed now, to be prepped for tomorrow of feeding animals, battening down the hatches for my away time, then dropping husband at work-- if he's going tomorrow.

bird nerd!

2008-10-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

& happy about.

hot socks,

2008-10-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

My dysesthesia pain is currently manifested in the guise of an invisible, hot wet sock. No, I'm not really wearing said sock. Just the phantom heat that my leg reports I'm enduring.

I remember when this all began, I would ask friends or family to compare the temperature of each leg. "It feels hotter", I would say. They kindly obliged me, comparing limbs. The truth was there is no outward sign of the things my nerves are doing.
It's a little nauseating. It's definitely irritating. I got a good chunk of housework done before this kicked in. Having spent 3 hours at the laundromat yesterday, I have oodles of ironing to tackle tonight & tomorrow, in preparations for a house guest this weekend. Luckily, I washed every last sheet & towel, so I'm prepared.

Finden, my faithful, feathered friend had a bit of a rough go if it today. He actually lunged at me, beak open in defense when I past his cage. He shrieked & postured, flashing & pinpointing his eyes, all but saying in plain English, "I am not a happy bird at the moment!" He did allow me to give him a scritch on the head before he backed deeper into his cage. I offered him a lasagna pan of bath water, & he appeared soothed for the moment, soaking his feathers thoroughly.

I'm going to chalk today's antics up to the bevy of crows foraging on the lawn in Finden's obscured view through the front window. I've read that every day with a parrot is a new day, so we'll see if he feels more like himself tomorrow.

poke is poke.

2008-10-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was having some reservations about my Copaxone injections, but as told by neurologist, it's really my last at-home therapy option. Shared Solutions, the 'support' group by the manufacturer, if you will, contacted me last Thursday & quizzed me about my experience thus far. The woman's comments to my responses were the kind I hate: repeated, statistical facts regarding pre-market study data. This lobs me in with everyone else as a number, removing my individual needs & just compares me with percentages. The bottom line was they felt I should stop the injections & speak with my doctor.

So, for 5 days, I didn't inject. The lumps & bruises on my legs & arms began to subside, J & I were both pleased to just say good night & go to bed. No anxious injections to be done or fussing with pain for half an hour. Of course, the doctor said take some Tylenol PM half an hour before the injection, the turn over & go to sleep.

Easier said than done.

Even with diphenhydramine taking the edge off, big fat teardrops rolled down my hot, flushing cheeks after the injection, as redness bloomed in a welt on my thigh. Just seeing my flesh bubble up in a near perfect circle is unnerving.
My emotions rise & my heart pounds. Even in my husband's arms for comfort, I cannot ignore the sound of my pulse thumping so hard in my neck I can hear my skin brush against the pillowcase. I don't know that I could have gotten this far without him beside me.

In this wash of anxiety, emotion, pain & rushing of pulse that I experience (almost nightly, mind you), my thoughts go to what's really going on. I'm upset that since I've come to a truce with my body, I'm breaking it somehow with these drugs. I have accepted-- maybe with the assistance of MS-- that this is me. My bones are soft, my head is hard, my nose is pointy & almost elfin. I don't tan, & I no longer try. I require a lot of sleep, rest, calm. I can't live on candy & toast, I have to nourish myself properly. I want my body to last, so I can inhabit it comfortably, to live my life with J. as long as I can.
Can I do this when I have to inject, ingest, compounds & chemicals & pills that have questionable efficacy over time?

I don't know what options I truly have. Well, that's not 100% true. I don't know what feasible options I have, or which ones I should exercise. I am curious about holistic medicine, but my one again, finances make that a little more difficult. I doubt insurance covers much of that. I bookmarked a page of a local facility that integrates holistic & 'traditional' medicine.

Is there something out there that will just allow me, not MAKE me, feel normal & pain free? Not groggy or drugged, nauseated or wired. It sounds like I want a lot. It really shouldn't be so much to ask to just want to feel good again, consistently.
Or is it?

so far, so good.

2008-10-14T00:26:00.001-07:00

Guess who had fleas? Surprise, surprise. His previous owner must have applied flea meds when she cut his nails.....a year ago? Judgments aside, I suppose, he's a sweet little dog & I'm glad J. let him stay for the time being. I hope someone awesome comes along to adopts him.....

brothers from other mothers.

2008-10-08T23:21:00.001-07:00

I know, I should stay away from Craig's List. My husband wants to block it from my computer. I found an ad that said simply, "Japanese Chin-- FREE". I emailed immediately. Then I ended up going to meet the dog & the owner today. Her reasoning was it was her grandson's dog, he wasn't paying it enough attention & neither was she.

This poor dog was a sad mess, of just neglect. He was fed, & sometimes pet, I'm sure. His coat is short, dry & matted in some places. His skin is itchy too, with signs of fleas at some point. He's thin, with his nails growing around into his paws. Still, his tail wags when he's spoken sweetly to. He hopped in my lap & offered bad breath kisses. I asked if he was available to me. The woman conceded I offered a good home, after about 30 minutes of chatting & my distractedly fretting over the dog.

His name is now Yoshi, which means good, simply because he is. He did yap & cry when he realized what was happening. At first I felt bad, but he wasn't wanted. I chatted to him over my shoulder as I drove home. A quick sniff of him for my own dogs, & then into the tub he went. Oatmeal shampoo & conditioner applied, I did the best I could to get the old urine stink of him that permeated the house I had just come from.
I cut his nails & trimmed his mats, all without a yip or gripe.

After a snooze sitting upright in my lap, he finally ate the food I offered him earlier & settled at the opposite end of the big dog bed from Sake, my own Japanese Chin. This is quite a privilege for Sake to allow an unknown dog on his bed without so much as a snarl. If you don't see the different 'masks' on their face & their varied bone structures, they might be twins:

Sake, 9 years old, is on the left. Yoshi, 4 years old, on the right.

flaky blogger lady.

2008-10-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

do I really need to apologize to my blog? no, I don't. so I shan't.

today's blog entry is brought to you from lush & lovely Eugene, Oregon. having packed up our life on a whim & trucked north in late July, J. is flourishing at his new job while I hold down the fort & keep the dust bunnies at bay. we left one bird in California & added a new one to the mix-- a much better fit for everyone, indeed.
everyone, this is Finden.

I found Finden via Craig's List, where you're not supposed to sell pets, but you can charge a re-homing fee of up to $200. there's a dozen loopholes there, but the bottom line is I got an amazingly well-behaved, ~$600 parrot for $200. granted, he did need a thorough vet check, costing us an added ~$400. I guess that makes him a truly $600 parrot. even so! this little guy & I bonded immediately, & he's been a dream bird.

these days my MS is held at bay, but I've disdainfully hopped off the Tysabri train.
reports of new PML cases trickled to me on the internet, & I was naively disgusted when the "care line" offered by the drug company did nothing but damage control. in retrospect, I shamed myself mentally. i have been on the other side of the drug company game, keeping study animals alive for sake of the results, to help in pushing drugs through the pipeline. I felt that staying on Tysabri was gambling with my life a little more defiantly & helping prove their numbers for new, unsuspecting patients. I hadn't had any adverse affects, bu I was coming up on having used it for 1 year, not too far behind the new PML patients of 14 & 17 months.

with my husband & my father's blessing (my main supporters when it comes to the decisions involving my health), I planned with my neurologist to take a 1 month wash-out period, & started on Copaxone in the beginning of September. daily injections aren't awesome, but neither is the looming threat of a possible lethal, viral brain infection. my husband sweetly does my nightly injections with much empathy, which soothes a lot of the emotional pain each injection brings. I'm doing my best to stay consistent with the time & notation, but other than the lack of aesthetic my bruised & bumpy injection sites present, it's an overall depressing exercise.

some nights I cry in fear & anxiety of the future, imagining my body crumpling prematurely from all these drugs I ingest & inject. other times I bravely endure the pain, which I do my best to describe to my husband as "a bee sting on top of a Charlie horse." the heating pad suggested does little to soothe me, but I apply it any how, patting or smoothing over the area, as if it'll help.

despite some rough nights, I'm diligent in my optimism. I enrolled in school yet again, this time with a camouflage-garbed, tattooed 'cheerleader' on my side. (read: My Husband, J.) I keep the house the best I can. I have a real yard now, with a lawn to fret over, weeds to thwart & squirrels to shake a fist at. some days still yawn before me, long & lonely until J. comes home well into the evening.

I think that's all I feel like blogging about right now. I'll again attempt to keep this place updated. I'm leaving you with another picture of Finden, because he makes me smile with his silly sense of humor.

oh i remember you.

2008-04-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

i logged onto a friend's blog to comment about the e-dust it's built up. realizing i was the pot calling the kettle black, i thought i'd write in my own dusty blog first!

here we are in April, a week away from my 28th birthday. 28! i think i'm onto a fair start for my 28th year. still ridiculously-happily married, doing some major 'volunteer' work at Lisa's internal medicine office & just feeling good about life in general. we have a pink feathered addition to our family, my sweet Oiseau:

this is my first avian venture into a hookbill & the hand-taming thereof. initially, it was frustrating & it hurt my little feelings that she was so adverse to being out of her cage. but it all came on at once. she suddenly learned to step up on my finger, chirps & tweets to be let out of her cage & spends time on our office floor, nibbling paper hearts i cut out for her.

my apologies for not paying much mind to the oddly large pictures i post, that skew the whole aesthetic around here. i doubt anyone reads this blog other than my dad & myself, or maybe the occasional passerby who searched 'pets' &/or 'MS'.

about MS.....i haven't had a full on, kicked-my-ass attack since last summer, but i'm definitely still grappling with fatigue & the requisite odd sensations. i'm still receiving Tysabri infusions once a month with apparently positive results. i still think about it everyday. i pause & question each odd pain, wave of nausea or spell of dizziness, but then push through. of course, one can't really live life if they're always bracing for the worst, right?

oh! & in most exciting news in my tiny world? the beginning of my half sleeve:

canaries, pansies, bumbley bees, oh my! i can't wait 'til it's complete.

that's all for now friends.

oops.

2008-01-02T03:17:00.000-08:00

it's amazing this blog doesn't have abandonment issues.
sorry blog, i get distracted! or i sleep too well & don't tell you anything.
here's a quickie:

-a painful summary: Pixel 'got' Tamago. it was horrific but no one's fault. i cried for 2 days & Pixel acted VERY sorry. we now have Ami, a 'rare' white Waterslager, who wears a grizzled cap on his feathery head. he sings like some one's recording him & i tell J. everyday how much i love that bird.

-Thanksgiving was spent at our home. J. put on a spread to be reckoned with. his waifish sister put her husband's portions to shame. friends, family & food= always the winning combo.

-we went on our mini-break honeymoon. Elk, CA is stunning. a B&B on the real live coast & horseback riding. J's first venture-- he loved it! i also renewed my belief in Celiac disease. oof. pancakes that i paid for all night.

right out our French doors, the sea waited.

best rental horse experience EVER. lookit my husband on that horse!!

i love this man with everything i am. what a stunning weekend we had.

-with December, came Issabelle. ooooh, Issabelle. not to me, did she come, more by proxy. Lisa gets what she wants, & she wanted another horse so *we* could go riding asap. together & safely. she found another gaited horse (KMSH) bred by the woman she got her Jack from, & so it was. & so i am enamored & aching a new from horse-wanting:

on her 'test ride' day....

she was SOLD. (or was it just me?)

maybe the beginning of something stunning...

-our NYE was quiet & spent at home with my brother & Mandy. we watched SF's fireworks from our roof & then retreated to the warmth of the living room for movies til we all were too tired.

goodbye, 2007. you were my Good Year, even if some of it was spent hospitalized. the things i did & man i married stick out the most in my mind. let's hop every year to come yields memories so sweet.

i ate too moishe.

2007-11-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

usually, i sing this song for my husband. tonight? it's all mine. oof.
noooo more turkey, until next year. maybe not even then. i'll have Thai green curry with tofu, or something equally as lovely & flavorful. just NOT turkey.

we attacked the kitchen with gusto today. having run the dishwasher twice on Thursday, we "left things to soak" yesterday. i finally couldn't handle the amount of turkey grease on everything, so i loaded the dishwasher one la
st time; now it's clean & waiting for J. to unload it. [we're a team; he cooks = i clean. i load the thing = he unloads it.] i furiously de-greased & Soft Scrubbed the counters. i was just preparing to mop the floor when he comes in with the mail bearing an Amazon.com box. what is it?!

it's a gift for me, he says.[although he said we weren't doing Xmas gifts, the property taxes were just too rough.] did i want it now of for Xmas?

NOW, of course.
[le duh]
& it's a pink DS lite! hooray! i'm happy as a clam. the screen colors are so bright, the graphics so clear! not to mention the weight-- it's so...Lite!

& thank you, Nintendo, for upgrading the stylis to a heftier size that adult hands can wield without evoking a major cramp. when my hands are utterly on the MS-fritz, a was forced to use a stylis that was intended for rub-ons, since the tiny one that came with the original DS fell through my numb fingers. wow, did that ever make me grouchy.
J. goes about making a new town on his copy of Animal Crossing WW, so that he can visit my town, using the pre-exsisting DS. ha. now we're nerd central & lovin' it.

we leave on Thursday for our mini-honeymoon to a B&B in Mendacino, & i'm pretty excited. i wish we had a more decent camera to document with. i'm thinking of asking about mom's old film cam, which used to awesome at one point in time. i think i can still make it go. film is so romantic, anyhow. ;)

hopefully it's not too raining & freezing up there. if it is-- it's our honeymoon. there's plenty of indoor activities to do!

oh, hello auntumn.

2007-11-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

i realize it gets 'real live cold' in other places, but deng it's cold right now.
maybe it just seems worse since i lose feeling in my hands on & off all day & they feel falsely colder than they really are. i always ask J. to check them to see if they're really cold, or it's just the MS effing with me.
although, our lovely wall of windows in the living room did little to retain any warmth in the place today. i moved the canary to the hallway, it was just too cold out there for him. no relaxing in the birdy bath today, dewd!

the trip to Ikea paid off amazingly with the new dresser. i'm so happy to see the heaps of clothes slowly disappearing. our bathroom is once again ours! not just a walk-in hamper. i daresay i'm almost enjoying doing the laundry, now that it will have a place to be put away! gasp!

especially as Thanksgiving creeps up, with our party of 8 people in attendance, i'll be tickled to not have the heaps crammed in our closet, straining against the door. oh, thank you Ikea. for once you have lived up to your reputation.

on the knitting front, the 2 skeins of deep green alpaca yarn i bought were MIA for 2 days. i started on a silky blend of who knows what that i bought at Fred Meyer in Portland last year to practice once more & the alpaca appeared in the box of stuff emptied out of the truck when i sold it. hooray! alpaca: found!

right off, i thrust it at J. & told him to pet the skein. see? it's sooo soft!
i yelped, hopefully explaining why i was pouting so much at it's absence.
he oohed at the touch of it. he humors me so well.

lastly, today was my 3rd Tysabri infusion. i was whimpering last night at the familiar, painful grip on my neck & shoulders that MS likes to have on me. truly the nicest people either work at or are getting chemo at this infusion center. they all wanted to see our wedding pics (which i loaded on my ipod last night just for them) & we parted with hugs & well wishes, since for 2 of them it was their last round of chemo. hopefully, all of our conditions remain on the upswing.

Ikea ahoy!

2007-11-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

after a disappointingly short & almost senseless social security "neurological exam", J & i headed to breakie & the bookstore, then to Ikea to get some things.
[more on the ss exam later. pffrt.]
we're swimming in displaced laundry in our bedroom. we have a great sized closet, but no place to put folded-type things. underwear & socks don't stay on hangers, so we finally got a dresser.
i actually went there for something to help with my craft supplies clutter in the office, but never found the style of dresser i saw online. i'm apt to just giving up & finding something else at Ikea. the place can easily trigger a panic attack in me or some similar heinous feeling that's attributed to my MS [dizziness, racing thoughts.]
luckily, J. was right there helping me out.
i was quite pleased to see Ikea is incorporating dark wood into their designs. i loathe most light wood stains, & more so the icky laminates Ikea likes to slap on particle board. we found this dresser for $250, & i snapped it up with glee:

we also got a tall, pub-type table use for Thanksgiving seating, which will thereafter become my sewing/crafty table. the dining area table will return to it's intended function, & hopefully help ease my messes from mucking up the living room. :) lastly, a baker's rack type deal was snagged to help organize the sparse bathroom that's "for guests" when we have them, but mainly is The Pet Bathroom.

the cat box, water & food bowls along with the kitty's supplies & Sake's whiz pads live there. i ended up hiding them in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. yes, it was ridiculous & i felt lame digging the bag o' litter from the tub when i change the cat box. now it's all neatly filed on the lower glass shelves. a few knicky-knacks & a small vase of dried lavender makes it look homey. i'm pretty happy.

what is it about organization that soothes me [& others i know!] so well?
J. knows this calming secret & does his best to accommodate me. he immediately went to work on assembling all these things while i was Whole Foods with my mom, getting
Thanksgiving dinner in order. the dresser was a million pieces when i left & is so pretty all put together. we're both so drained from today, so filling said thing is slated for tomorrow. [along with Pixel's bath, in the now clutter-free tub!]

as for the social security "exam", i am utterly deflated about this system.
i don't know what i was expecting. here's what i encountered:
the address was close by, & led us to a bar-windowed door crammed between Kaiser & a bank. i followed the instructions on the buzzer & took a decrepit elevator up one floor. it might as well have been a freight elevator; scratched & dented stainless steel lined & slower than pudding. the office has colorless, stained carpet with mismatched folding chairs & a fresh out of high school receptionist who couldn't be less interested in being there on a Saturday morning.

when i read the framed degree & HIPPA warnings on the wall, my eyes came to rest on a certificate. this thing certifies Dr.Iforgothisname, who is a CHIROPRACTOR, to do DMV & SS exams. my eyes bulged a little. WTF?

Dr.Iforgothisname was a quiet, slim Asian guy that eased my nervousness. although his tone & facial expression never changed, he was non-threatening & that made me feel ok. he did an exam that was on par with every ambulance ride i have ever taken involving my MS. an EMT could've administered this thing. i offered the manufacturer's approval of my Tysabri infusions, as well as a DVD of my cranial, thoracic & lumbar MRI study (with & without contrast.) he skimmed the report & tells me he doesn't have a computer in the office, the DVD does nothing for him. inwardly, i am sputtering. THIS is how one decides if i truly have a disabling disease?

Dr.Iforgothisname follows the protocol he was certified for to a T. he does not indulge my offerings for more information on my symptoms or even further information on my relapses severity & frequency. he seems interested in my hip replacement for a second, commenting i am young for that. i mention the osteopenia & arterial necrosis & he scribbles it down. no further questions on that front. any other medical diseases, etc.? i mention my L'Hermittes sign to him & he blandly tells me that's part of MS.
[growl]
NO SHIT. i have MS, i know a bit about it, thanks. (of course i didn't say that.)

i'm out of the office in 35 minutes. he will write a report to the SS office of his "findings" [?!?!-!!?] & they will contact me in about 6 weeks. i meet J. in the lobby & am a little exasperated. what does that guy know about neurological maladies & autoimmune disease that makes his opinion important enough to decide my fate?
J. assures me we have an excellent case for appeal if it comes down to it.

that sand-filled feeling of fatigue mixed with uncertainty hung on until we got to the bookstore, where i went a little bananas & bought cards, a book & a calendar.
it's been an expensive, busy day. i'm off to read my book about mutants in bed, with my probably already snoring husband.

social security & monetary worries aside, my life is a sugar cookie. i'm madly, wholly, passionately in love with my husband, our life, our marriage. our home, pets,
routines, friends, & family make me feel blissful & utterly lucky for what i have.
i just have to say it here. i'm incredibly lucky -- blessed, if you will-- & i appreciate every crumb of it.

vroom!

2007-11-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

is it odd that i felt guilty for selling my truck?
oh well-- i got a CRV! room for us & the kids & stuff & omg!
i walked in there to look- how did i leave with a car?! it was rad.
i never thought i could do that. me! i can't wait to have & put my
Totoro dangley on the rearview mirror.

we eat our way through the weekends.

2007-11-11T20:33:00.001-08:00

J. has been lamenting how he wants to get back to the gym & train like he did before.
i feel the same way he does, only riding horses & hiking with the dog was what kept me feeling best. we're fairly well fueled for such activities; you should see the fare my husband creates weekend mornings. his brother was with us one such morning & was def. impressed!

we had friends over for more breakfast this morning: fresh mozzarella, tomato & basil omelets with turkey bacon & hash browns (plus green onions in there!) i consistently clear these plates he serves, which are always generously piled. we have got to find some exercise for us to enjoy! i doubt i would last long in a muay thai boxing gym, tho.....

should we put J. on a horse?

maybe we should try golf.

crafty.

2007-11-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

i'm slowly working through my list of thank you cards to write to our wedding guests & the people who helped make it possible. what's taking so long? my love of crafting.

my hand writing is still suffering from my previous MS attacks & shows every jitter of my hands. i have been typing the notes in handwriting-ish font, printing, trimming & adhering them in a variety of cards. not to mention addressing the envelopes the same way. i've gotten another 4 done tonight...16 more to go! ackk! if only had more creative ability during daylight hours...

i also have a few ideas brewing for Xmas gifts, since it's going to be especially snug around here, financially. ohmigosh, i wish i could write about my ideas, but you never know who reads these things, & i'd bawl if they found their presents out early! i'll have to keep it on the DL for now...

the same goes for the ideas i have about the house...not the sneaky part, the wishing for the juices to flow during daylight hours. i generally snooze those away after i've gotten up & showered. my energy is just sapped between noon & 2:30pm. paint colors, decorating, organizing ideas, *gasp!*
i gotta write this stuff down....so i'm going to. my notebook doth beckon.

robin's egg blue.

2007-11-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

it's not a secret that i have an affinity for bird nests in general.
i'm warped back to my childhood where i brought home such outdoor goodies as acorns & of course, bird nests, to my mom. she displayed them along the fence on the patio.

so last night, with my husband softly snoring against my shoulder, my mind was wandering about paint colors. how bird nests came into play? i want to make a collage/shadow box with one, eggs included. that's when the robin's eggs came in.
robin's egg blue! specifically the American Robin's egg.

i don't know if robins in England or wherever have different blue-hued eggs, but the color i'm favoring via Googling pics are all labeled 'American robin', specifically. J. had been reluctant in my interest in the blue & brown color scheme, since brown reminds him of "the 70's". not wanting him to blanch every time he enters our bedroom, i'll pick the more pleasing of the 2 shades & go from there!

secondly, our wedding gifts from Parsnip & The Husband arrived last week, & we couldn't be more excited. for J, there was the toaster/egg cooker combo he picked out. he gets up early to make english muffin/egg/Jimmy Dean! sandwiches. (there's english muffin gravel on his computer stool as i type) he's utterly pleased.

for me, there was: The Sewing Machine.
my first Singer, & it is so adorable. my mind reeled with the thoughts of quilts to finish & obscure dollies to create. responsibly, i decided i must finish my thank you card project first. my paper cutter & stationary gadget boxes are cluttering the dining room table, & dragging out the fabric heaps would just create more chaos.

currently stationed on the other end of the dining table, it sits pristinely, aching to be used. ok, the aching is all my own, but i am excited. oh, & i'm reading the directions. i want to know that machine inside & out! an excursion to Barnes & Noble with the dogs is in order, to camp in the aisle & peruse sewing books.
& we're off!

married married married,

2007-11-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

oh, did you think that your life was going to change radically?

no, no. i hoped i could maybe use some of this sheer delight to help catapult me to finish something, feel productive again. on the brighter side, other than being newly married to one of the most fantastic people i've ever met, i pulled off the most beautiful wedding in little more than 2 months. now if only i could get the house to stay clean for more than 8 hours...

we've decided to stay home for Thanksgiving this year. my aunt who lives well up into Northern California has bravely invited the entire family to her digs for the dinner.
at first i was into the idea, but the reality of traveling 4 hours in my ill-functioning truck with things packed for an overnight trip....not finding pet care for Geisha & Tamago....the odds piled up well enough for me to shirk it. while i still have to call my aunt (who, um, doesn't know i'm married yet either. :[) J. is excited at the idea of staying home & attempting the turkey-ing himself. with a $100 gift certificate to Sur La Table burning a hole in my sock drawer, i think we can pan out a decent meal.

we've invited a few friends who don't have tables to grace, as well as J's brother.
both boys were raised JW, & are now finding out what everyone else does for holidays.
i told J. we can make up our own traditions as we go along. :)

the first Thxgiving at our house is a good start. besides....what's a family gathering without my dogs?!

i was married.

2007-10-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

ok, the title is ala a Tegan & Sara song, but it rings so true.
i was married on October 27th 2007. i think the pictures will speak for me best.

i came down a small hill terraced with stone steps. my father helped me down, telling me i looked like Our Lady of Fatima. my dad's not an overly emotional guy, but the tinge of love in his voice did not escape me. he gave me away to Jeremy at the foot of a wooden bridge, crossing over a koi pond. we were married with family, friends, turtles & koi looking on.

i kissed my new husband 3 times, in front of everyone. lipstick everywhere & he was smiling at me obliviously. i could only laugh at swipe at it. there was still glitter all over him.

the reception was fun, just like any old dinner with friends. J's brother & best man gave a speech that choked him up. Lisa, my maid of honor & best friend followed suit.
i couldn't wait for the cake!

vanilla cake, raspberry layers, butter cream frosting & fondant flowers--
just for us! (& gluten too! caution hit the wind that day.)

i get to be one of those who remembers her wedding fondly, not a snag to our day.
no dancing, no silly wedding games, just us & friends, talking & enjoying the moment.
it went by extremely fast, but everyone agreed it was really beautiful.

new famblie.

2007-10-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

i know, the last thing this girl needs is another pet. but i can't help myself--
i love them so much!

on Saturday we will be joined by a male Waterslager canary. [the name means 'water beat' for their song] i am impatiently waiting for Petsmart.com to deliver his cage! otherwise, we're stocked to the hilt for birdie. v. exciting!
J. asks, 'will you be cleaning his cage?'
*scoff!* was my reply. i like doing animal husbandry, esp. for little things in cages. i likened the replacing of food, toys, etc. to having a doll house as a kid. it's so fun to rearrange & care for. so he is happy & excited for birdie as well, which of course makes me glow.

& did i mention? i'm getting married next weekend. already! it came so fast!
my biggest anxiety is that things won't be ready in time, or fall on schedule.
oh gosh, & the weather! rain has crept in! normal things to fret for, i know.

i picked up J's ring & gave it to him on Wednesday. it's completely perfect for him, as it was designed & handmade to be just so! he puts it on & marvels at it, disbelieving what it will mean & that it is his. i do love that boy, so much.

on the medical angle, dare i say it? the Tysabri hasn't killed me, but rather seems to be working. i had an ataxic gait & weakness on the left side....4 days post infusion? gone. if only the next infusion takes away the numbness & tingling in my hands...i'll be sold!

time to get moving. still in my pj's here.

another weekend rolls over me.

2007-09-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

instead of being excited for the weekends as a break from the work week like regular peebles, i perk up at the chance to have Jeremy around for 2 full days. he gets to sleep in with me, i have him to talk to & run errands with, & he's just plain ol' excellent company. when he's home, i'm much less prone to sleeping in til 3pm, or rolling over to stare at the wall & let waves of bitterness wash over me. (i only do that when i'm for sure alone, & it doesn't last more then 10 minutes at most. honest!)

on Saturday we went Hakone Gardens as planned & happily scoped out the wedding site. he loves the place & we were even more giddy with delight at the prospect of being married there. he even enjoyed watching the turtles in the koi pond, pointing out the baby turtles before i did.

snags thus far? a few.
my mom has volunteered to be the contact point on most things, ie: catering, flowers (of course) etc. but being my mom, things fall to the way side & she has been fibbing about what actually has been done. (growl) please-- if you can't do something like you thought you could, cop to it early. i learned this from my days of taking on too much at Chiron. (growl again)

taking a deep breath & moving on, i found a restaurant just down the road that Hakone is on to take all 15 of our wedding party (which is just half the people who will be in attendance for the wedding!) for the rehearsal dinner. it's general American-type fare with a 'wild & organic twist.' they've got seared tuna on the menu which i love, so i'm sold. Jeremy is his usual 'reed in the wind' self, which is ever so helpful. although he was looking forward to seeing his dad's wife pitch a fit about being brought to a sushi bar (our first choice.)

my mom keeps goading me about 'the larger ceremony later', & at this point, i might leave it at our little mini ceremony & hand out trading cards of the wedding. this planning shit isn't so fun, because all the reminders that 'this is OUR wedding' are overruled by straight-laced grandmothers, religious zealot in-laws, family members who won't eat anything outside of Italian food or meat & potatoes, having to keep divorced parents separated, etc.

le sigh!!

i'm doing my best to remember that my parents want me to be happy with the wedding, & no matter what the end result is going to be exactly what i wanted--
i'll be married to the most amazing guy in the world. :)

fish fingers.

2007-09-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

i've got another week until my consultation appointment for my Tysabri infusions.since being off steroids & the beta inferon injections for a little 'wash out period',i've been experiencing a plethora of odd symptoms, mainly manifesting in my arms & hands. all of which range from completely annoying to fricking painful.

the current feeling is liken to having your hands in cool water for a long time. a little achey, feeling bloodless, & hard to move. Jeremy listens to my descriptions & watches flex & waggle my fingers as if i could see the problem. he holds my hands as if he could do the same, feel the problem, to no avail of course.

we're heading to the south bay in a bit to pick up my veil & hang out with J's brother Nate & Cousin Jan. (he gets the whole title) hopefully we have time to swing by Hakone Gardens, since Jeremy hasn't even seen where we're getting married yet. thankfully the truck is still clean enough to have someone else besides the dogs & i in it. (we care very little about it's aesthetics, Pixel, Sake & i.)

ugh, typing this is laborious, & typos from twitching fingers make me growl inwardly. i suppose a shower & a go with the flat iron might make me feel human....
it's the little things.

it's dusty in here.

2007-09-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

i know it.
i abandoned this blog for nearly a year!
so much has changed i can hardly type it all.
i'll just bring it up to present, & we'll go from there.

i now live in Oakland & i am engaged to an amazing boy that i have known all along.
i guess it took time & circumstance for my eyes to see him this way-- as the one person i want to spend my life with.

you're thinking wait wait wait! it's been barely a year & now you're moved in & engaged?! yes. in fact it's been 4 months since we got together, moved in together & decided to get married. the wedding is in October-- this October. aka: next month! i rarely know what i want so clearly. all we have done has felt so right.
i'm not afraid, in fact, i feel more sure of what i'm doing because he's by my side, come what may.

in other news, my MS is being a real bitch. i've gone through the battery of beta-interferon meds to no avail. more relapses & elevated liver enzymes leave me little choices left for therapies. all that's left is the scariest drugs, that are IV infused once a month. i'm typing this now with clumsy, numb fingers that are painfully tight feeling, a constant reminder that this is real. i only hope the Tysabri is my miracle drug.....i have no choices left.

oxox.

pack it up.

2007-01-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

i'm not apartment shopping with Joshe until tomorrow, but i bought boxes today to get the dismantling of my place underway. i realize what a collage my apartments are when i go to take them apart, it's almost a little painful.
i took the dogs to the UC campus to burn some energy & now here we all are, feeling snoozy & staring at one another. there's plenty to do, packing aside, but it seems like all i want to do is lay down. i'll regret it later, so i'm holding off.

school starts next week, so Mondays, Wednesdays & Thursdays will have a little productive outcomes than most other days. it makes leaving Berkeley a little harder, cos here i am doing what i really intended to be here for & i'm opting out!
remember, it's for my health & it's not permanent. hrmmph. i wonder what will ever be permanent these days.

bon voyage.

2006-12-31T10:42:00.000-08:00

aw, Blog, did you miss me?
feeling better keeps me away so long.
i walk with a bit of a hitch is all, although nerve-related nonsense appears to be flaring up on my right side.

i went to UCSF 2 weeks ago & i am offfcially Relapsing-Remitting. it doesn't make me feel any better to be diagnosed, somehow i thought it would empower me or something.

it's New Years' Eve day & bought a dress (a what?!) a DRESS for the occasion.

bon voyagie.

even when you didn't sleep, they cheer you.

2006-12-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." ~ Roger Caras

flax seeds. delish.

2006-12-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

today was supposed to be really relaxing, but it was not to be.

i went to get a massage, but getting across the bridge was a headache & i was half an hour late, although i left a half an hour early. i don't envy anyone with the SF commute. they nicely kept my appointment & the massage therapist was great, but she found so many sore spots it was hard to relax. when i finally did, she was done!
all i wanted was to sleep, face down in that face rest.

i wandered the tacky mall in Japantown for a minute, then went up the street to my dietitian appointment. how do people live in the city with a hip replacement or painful anything? i paid $10.50 for parking for 2 hours & spent way too much money in the apothecary-type-shop in the CPMC lobby.

i cried in front of the dietitian & she recommended a different fish oil supplement & flax seed. looks like i got a lot of roughage to eat, starting with oatmeal everyday as a vehicle for all the last tasty seeds & things. (ie: flax seed!!)
how do you explain to a complete stranger the reasons why your dogs eat better than you when you don't even know yourself?

i made it home in less time than it took to get there, somehow. Pixel had been in the crate the whole time, & thankfully didn't shred her bedding. Sake made it on his potty pads about 85% of the time. i was exhausted & hurting. i took a fitful nap with the dogs until Pixel couldn't stand being so bored anymore. i had to have Andy come get her, but it worked out cos Mabel was just as wound up.

now i'm waiting for Grey's Anatomy & dreading my Avonex shot & trying to get myself to think of something else to eat besides an apple so i can take my super sized Motrin & end the aching.

then, figure out how to eat flax seed....

it's foggy.

2006-12-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

fog & cold air used to remind me of Oregon when we would visit my Grandma.
i longed to go back as an adult & explore some more. funny when i went there with Andy it didn't hold the mystique it once did.
maybe cos it was summer.
maybe cos it was the company.

i have appointments in SF tomorrow, & i'm dreading being out of the house all day.
somehow it happened today & i got nothing done but a meeting with Jen. i'm a little tired of talking about my lack of appetite & poor eating habits. that's one of the appointments tomorrow: the dietician.

oh well.
thus is the road to wellness?

can't keep up tpday.

2006-12-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

maybe it's the amount of meds i take, or just the toll of being pain all the time, but i just can't get anything done today. all i want to do is go lay down, & i just might do it again in a minute.

i'm not getting thr house clean or any of the stupid little things around here done. about all i've done is walk the dogs (a maddening task with 2 leashes & hobbling with a cane.) & shampoo Sake's rear end a couple times. (fluffy dogs aren't so cute when they have the runs. elw.)

tomorrow, i suppose. i can't help but feel i'm running out of tomorrow's, though.

getting some steam...

2006-12-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

i'm 10 days post-op & still wincing in pain at my incision site. i had a mini-railroad track of about 20 staples running up my right glut that the farthest thing from comfortable. i got them out later today & the relief was amazing. nothing exciting happened during the surgery, & only after did i need a quickie blood transfusion & i was allowed to go home later the next day. i spent about 5 days at my mom's house, finding their spare bedroom & living room furniture to some of the most uncomfortable things in the world.

i slept each night in pieces in each room, with Sake dutifully following me & making a new place to sleep wherever i went. disappointingly, Kerstin came out for one day then decided she needed to see her husband & went back home. i curled up on the couch & napped for one of my many fitful sleep sessions on Percocet.

my Mommy took care of me the way only a true Mommy can, & i am so grateful for it. she came in the night when i cried, frustrated from pain & fighting with the sheets. she made me whatever food i asked for, & left a bottle of cold water anywhere i went. i went home a week after, & she hugged me tight after she packed up all my stuff that i had managed to strewn about her house. :)

i'm walking pretty well, mostly when i'm well medicated of course, but honestly it feels great to be pretty close to normal (ok with a thick, throbbing scar that looks like it was applied for a slasher flick). i walk nattily with a cane & even sleep comfortably. unfortunately the Joint Center conveniently forgot to schedule my physical therapy appointment, & now everywhere is booked til January!

now here at home, i eyeball the dark moulding & scarred hardwood flooring with much affection. hobbling in pain & gripping the sides of the bathtub to get in the shower makes me think of the conversation Dad & i had after my surgery consult.
i had mentioned Irene & Nicole moving in together, & my suddenly lit up. "i would feel so good about you moving in there. can you get in there somehow? i can't say how good it would make me feel to not have you live alone."
my Dad's usually quite stern when trying to get his point across, but i could see this plea came from his heart. this made me look at my apartment &amp; life (again) anew, & i realized i won't have my high paying job anymore, & Dad would be helping me with rent & more. the least i could do is give up my place & live somewhere cheaper.

i've mulled it over for a few days, & got an email from my friend Joshe that made it all gel. he's looking for a roommate as well, same time frame as me, & really, he strikes me as a great fit. as much as i love the idea of a fun place like being with Irene & Nicole, i know that living with Joshe might be better & more low-key. i talked to him last night & got even more excited. although it means leaving Berkeley, i will still be here for school & can always come back later.

so here i am, looking at places in Walnut Creek & San Ramon like i was almost 2 years ago! surprisingly a few places already said "fine" about 2 dogs, one of them being kinda big! just gotta talk to Joshe again soon. is it wrong i'm dreaming of carpet already? oof, Sake better get his potty training back on track.....

um, you did what?

2006-11-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

(you know you want it.)

i drank 1/2 a cup of soy milk, so sue me.
it led to my own demise! shit!!

apparently, for an anesthetic procedure as lengthy as a total hip replacement, liquids are not permissable.

YES this was something i knew.
WHY did i drink soy milk anyhow?
no clue. i was hungry & couldn't eat? every starving artist knows drinking something like soy milk fills you up!
possibly in my anticipation & haste to get a move on i had a temporary lapse in judgement.

and so.
we're on for 8am tomorrow morning. then we can get this damn show on the road!
but ee gats was i angry. i got an insta-headache i clammed up for about 2 hours.
my parents just sorta waited me out. Mommy dropped me off & gave me a big hug & said, "let's do it again tomorrow, hm?!" i said ok, but no Starbucks this time!

growl. 3 big yawns....hopefully i'll sleep straight through.

hmmph.

(elizabeth you idiot!)

i miss my dogs already.

2006-11-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is surgery day, & in preparation, the dogs have gone to their respective keepers for the time being. i miss them & it hasn't even been an hour. Andy picked up Pixel tonight after dinner & Kerstin picked up Sake this morning. i gave him a bath & was blow drying him as she came in, & he was so happy. his watery little eyes followed me as she carried him out the door. my poor guy.

kerstin has a cold, & won't be staying with me after all. disappointing, but it's true. who needs a cold top of my pile of ailments?

back to crutches & muscle spasms that wake me with searing pain....i only hope that this surgery will be all that the surgeon predicts. ...running, riding, all night in heels... it'll be my mantra.

as well as the recurrent dream of horses, every shape, height, color, all for me to ride.

i can't wait.

tick tock, tick tock.

2006-11-24T23:18:00.000-08:00

my surgery date is close at hand...just 2 full days or so left.
i'm still doing my best to hold steady, be optimistic, look at the benefits...
i imagine myself running. i eyed sleek pants, fleecey zip ups & imagined Pixel running beside me.

i went to my new integrative doctor in SF on Wednesday. i found myself both impressed, excited, & reminded the seriousness of my situation. besides setting out my life story (which has become automatic lately) i flatly stated i was anorexic as a teenager & still struggling with control issues & food. the doctor again painted a rosey picture of the benefits of treatment, on top of being amicable & warm. maybe it's just me, but these people always have sales to fall back on-- selling the surgery, a new diet & exercise plan...sheesh.

in explaining things to her, the dr. asked about why i drank so much red bull, didn't take breaks, & stressed myself so much. to every question my answer started with "Work". 6 months away from work, i can finally see what i've done to myself. how much i gave to work at the expense of my health. ....really not worth any salary or feeling of accomplishment i might receive.

even though i've now realized it, i have a long way to heal; a long way to go.

at any rate, thanksgiving was about as usual, but not without snags. Sake was downright grumpy, growling, snapping at Grandma, Brother & Joshe. he had the runs still & vomited several times. when i got him home he vomited some more, so i let him sleep with water close by. a course of metronidizole & I/D bland diet are in his future.
however today, he bit Ryan on the leg (but Ryan thinks he might have stepped on him, so i'm throwing that incident out). he then went bugshit on Pixel over a chewie, which has never happened!
i'm wracking my brain for possibilities, & there are plenty why he'd act like this. stress, fear, establishing dominance....but which is the right one to treat? i'm giving him some more time before i give up, of course. i'd say we've all been under some stress lately, so we won't mar he's record just yet.

still waiting for the damn check to come from the state. about time to get a move on with school too. trying my best not to feel rushed, get anxious, remember my goals.
the upside to all this is getting things together for Xmas presents. i'm compiling pictures for collages, photobooks & such for friends. i'm sure they'll be happy, i am so excited to see it! especially the one for Andy. Mabel's grown up so much & he'll get to see.

you guys make me laugh.

2006-11-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

"hey Pix, what do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?"

"a collie-flower!! get it?! ahahahah!"

comedians, i swear.

you're collecting what?

2006-11-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

my urine. for 24 hours, i have to save every drop of urine for a metabolic test.
oh, & i gotta refrigerate it.

tomorrow morning, i split my first whiz of the day into 2 more specimen jars, then take the whole pitcher & cocktails back to the lab. nice!

but for today, i'm going to bring Mom some mail, then the 3 of us (me, Pixel & Sake) are going to Lisa's to help her tidy the barn. i'm not sure how far we're gonna get today, but we'll see. i'm bringing extra clothes this time, i always end up filthy when i play up there.

last time i weeded the front yard:

i generally end up grooming Jack:

...which = me covered in whatever i brush off of him & then some.

i even shaved a barn cat:

he was matted as all get out & was grateful for the trim later on.
don't ask what he said during the fiasco.

let's see what's in store for me today on the ole Stine compound....& how dirty my dogs are going to get.

outcome.

2006-11-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

i escaped to Kerstin's Wednesday night after my orthopedist consult. i took Sake for a bath & managed to lock my keys in my truck, being as distracted as i was. the day went pretty well, but i wasn't sure how well i really had it together. i needed to get away & not look at my life for a few hours.

Wednesday morning, my Dad picked me up & we went to SF, critiquing the Bay Bridge's replacement progress & SF living in general. he dropped me off & went to scour for parking.
i went down to the x-ray lab & changed into the utterly flattering gown that left me squirming in a chair in the women's waiting room for 20 minutes. when the techs called me in, i went easily through the awkward positions for the xrays, impressing the laughing techs. my dad was in the doctor's office when i got there & we went right in.

the surgeon is still an amicable, easy-going guy that talks about your surgery like it's a walk in the park. he looked at my xrays & put it frankly, i have osteopenia, meaning i am a hop, skip & 10 years from osteoperosis. this changes any surgery plans he'd had in mind for me, & now it was more imparitive we get the revision done & work on recovering some bone mass. instead of using screws to anchor a acetabulum plate, i'll have the whole socket resurfaced & have a cup fitted (read: pounded into shape with a mallet!) into place. the whole joint will be titanium & hopefully, pain free for the rest of my life.

we went over the pros: the smaller amount of recoup time, the prosthetic should last a lifetime, etc. we nodded over the doctor's assurance of being able to start school on time & ride horses comfortabley next year.
we left the office with a plan for surgery in 2 weeks, November 27th. Dad & i went to lunch & he talked optimistically about how good for me this is going to be. i agreed with him, ignoring the feeling in the back of mind that felt like something coming undone.

i called Mom & Jef, they both took it in stride & agreed with the reasoning. Dad dropped me off at home, & i was left alone with the dogs & my thoughts. i did my usual puttering when i think, went about tidying & chatting with the dogs, but i kept finding myself sitting in a chair, just staring. i called Kerstin & she said i should come out; i agreed & decided on the dog bath to kill some time until traffic settled down. Andy agreed to watch Pixel, so i dropped her off there & set out for Sacramento.

i drove in the dark with little Sake snoozing next to me & a pile of laundry on the floor. (my excuse not to come, Kerstin wouldn't have it & said to bring it.) i got to Kerstin's by 7, & we started piles of laundry, hers as well as mine. Sake did his share of helping with the laundry:

after watching the Da Vinci Code with Kerstin's husband, we both managed to fall asleep immediately, even though we both generally struggle to sleep. (really the Da Vinci Code was a good sedative. boring!) i spent the rest of Thursday with her, cleaning her apartment, & the many guinea pig cages, including bathing the critters. i used to hate these things, but she really handles them so much they're nice to pet & watch. heck, they were even good for a shampoo.

i hated having to leave, it's so nice to have K's company again & i know she benefits from having me there. she's waiting for a new job to start & has been home alone for weeks, bored & sad.

i left Kerstin's pretty late, this time driving back in the dark with a basket of clean, folded laundry & a sleeping Sake on the seat next to me. coming home, once settled, i plopped back in the same chair after i fed the dogs & emptied my overnight bags. it was still here, that feeling.

here's another thing i have to plow through, mentally & physically. i'm hoping that tacking a surgery onto the end of this year leaves next year clear for success, no foreseen set-backs to endure. i'd hoped my hip taking a back burner to all this MS drama would last a little long. i didn't want to think about it all at once.

but i can do this, i can. just gotta concrete the mantra in my own head....

tuesday, sunshine & dogs.

2006-11-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

we had a pretty fun day, despite having shirked all my plans of cleaning & laundry.
i got up early & walked them right away, but all that did was rile them up!
Sake finally loosened up & gave into Pixel's play bows & arfs to initiate some fun.it was hilarious-- the noises this dog makes!
"rabid ewok" my friend Eric tagged it.

the picture looks innocent, but Pixel was playing nicely to her credit, letting Sake 'win' & make all the noise.

i called Eric to go walk the dogs at campus, & we enjoyed the sunshine & had a nice walk getting to the glade. Pixel chewed her good harness the other day, so she is wearing her Halti head harness until the new one comes. she loathes it, & plows her face into the grass, bushes or whatever's handy as soon as it comes off. after a good face plowing, some crow chasing & general spurts of puppy energy, she sat around with us:

she then went about grazing & inspecting gopher holes while Sake & i looked on:

we ended up meeting one of Eric's friends for some fishing at the marina. he brought his dog too, & i was so relieved. nothing wears Pix out properly other than playing with another dog. Schroeder was a cutie Lab & Border Collie mix, but i claim there's something tall & thin in there too.

the boys cast a buncha times & caught a lot of seaweed. my hands shake too much to get a good pic of the sunset; this is all i got after much swearing & deleting.

Pixel & Schroeder rolled in a bush full of burrs; i spent half an hour at home brushing her out. it was totally worth it. she's fast asleep & so is Sake. i am so proud of him! he kept up with us on the marina trail & on campus. i carried him through the rough spots, & he sat in my lap the whole time the guys' fished. pretty good for a little dog who's been apartment bound for 6 years.

tomorrow is my orthopedist appointment to get a work-up done for my hip revision.Dad's coming with me; he catches the things i miss cos i get nervous & forget to ask.

so tomorrow--we shall see what we see.

siblings.

2006-11-13T23:28:00.000-08:00

stay on your side!

sake bomb!

2006-11-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

Sake was delivered today with little fanfare. Judy, rescue woman from
OHS was very sweet & amicable; Sake is equally as sweet.

he fits the breed standard for sure:

"This breed is considered one of the most cat-like of the dog breeds in attitude: it is alert, intelligent, and often independent, and it uses its paws to wash its face. A companion dog, it is loving and loyal to its owner, but is distrustful of new people. Chins prefer familiar surroundings, and are very uncomfortable in unfamiliar areas and with new situations. They are a quiet breed, with a much deeper bark than the high-pitched yap commonly associated with many of the toy breeds and are naturally clean."

he's currently sitting pertly in front of the tv, considering it adorabley.
he adores being pet, but won't come to you to ask for it. he's a chow hound for sure! gobbling everything in his bowl & whatever else you have. he's been snoozing on & off, either on the couch or the rug.

did i mention the tongue? it accompanies a charming underbite, & is ever present.

asleep or awake.

Geisha had an initial case of bottlebrush tail (all poofed out), but she was soon not caring & hiding between the pillows-- which is normal.

Pixel of course was perfectly cordial, showing more interest in Judy & being sure her face was thoroughly tongue-bathed, than in bothering Sake. she went with Andy to play with Mabel soon after, to get her well-excercised & let Sake settle in a bit.

Mandy's wedding shower is tomorrow, hopefully all goes with mom.
she seems a little edgy already, having called 3 times so far tonight.
i'm sending her the vibe: "this is about Jef & Mandy."

let's hope she gets it.

here we are again.

2006-11-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

can my mind sense it's 4 am when i'm asleep?
because here we are again, & even the dog looks annoyed by the light being on, we're all up. how cute is it when she rolls over, groans & covers her eyes with a paw? cameras are not fast enough to catch such moments for me.

but i'm up & waiting for my requisite tea to cool, & i certainly hope green tea is as good for you as they say it is.....cos i drink a LOT. i woke up nauseated with my back muscles spasming, most likely the side effects of my Avonex injection last night. i did my best to ignore it but the clock was glowing 4 am so fiercely! i'm trying all the things i've heard of to change my behavior & go back to my generally sleeping-well routine:

Try modifying your nighttime sleeping habits and other behavior before resorting to drugs to cure insomnia. For example:

* Avoid using alcohol in the evening. Avoid caffeine for at least 8 hours before bedtime. Give up smoking, because nicotine is a stimulant.
* Establish a regular bedtime, but don't go to bed if you feel wide awake. Use the bedroom for bedroom activities only. Once in bed, use creative imagery and relaxation techniques to keep your mind off unrestful thoughts. Avoid staying in bed for long periods of time while awake, or going to bed because of boredom.
* Take your TV or computer out of your bedroom. Otherwise, your brain becomes used to the stimulation and starts to expect it when you are there. This makes it harder for you to fall asleep.
* Relax by reading, taking a bath, or listening to soothing music before getting to bed.
* A snack before bedtime helps many people. Foods such as warm milk or turkey have a natural sleep inducer called L-tryptophan.
* Exercise regularly, but not in the last two hours before going to bed. Exercise, especially aerobic exercise, has been show to make people fall asleep faster and benefit from deeper and more restful sleep. Sex can be a natural sleep inducer and helps some people.
* Avoid emotional upset or stressful situations prior to bedtime.

eeeeyeah. i'll get right on all that.

reading this, immediately my mind goes to Kerstin, who's had troubling sleeping at night since forever. then my mind rolls to a session with my shrink, who accurately pointed out how i empathize with other people & ignore myself. i agreed, but it seemed there is no foreseeable path to correct this.

this morning when i woke up, my mind was writing a detailed mental letter to my friend Ann, whom i've had an upsetting falling out with when i first got home from the rehab center in July.
another one of those sad tales of a friendship being so much less to the other person & it's apparent when the going gets tough-- & they get going. i went from angry, confused & hurt to really just hurt. i'm not even concerned with the guy involved in all of this, i'm just aching about Ann.

i suppose i should have known, i did see this coming. it's still so shocking when someone you thought you knew, who wouldn't ever hurt you because you were there for them so many times before, would bury you in a precarious stack of lies.

~*at any rate*~
......................

so for tonight.....i have to go back to the South Bay for Mandy's birthday party at Amy's house. the hard part is dressing up cute enough to fit in with the crowd, & staying awake & witty long enough for people to enjoy my company.
no really, lookit these people:

vibrant & gorgeous everyday of the week! Mandy falls right in line with them....
i can't keep my hair red enough to make the cut.

i think i can lay down again now....this chair is making my back scream, & how unfair is it that i have cramps too? was i Ghengis Khan in a past life to deserve these things?

le sigh.

well, that's better than a lesion.

2006-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

Lhermitte's sign "is a brief, stabbing, electric-shock-like sensation that runs from the back of the head down the spine, brought on by bending the neck forward. Medications, including anticonvulsants, may be used to prevent the pain, or a soft collar may be used to limit neck flexion."

yay! not a spinal lesion. shall we dance?

what else? guess who's miiiinnnne? (& coming Saturday at noon to my house)

~Osaka Shigenori~
(Sake)

ok & i'll say it.
i told my parents this is a foster dog but he's not.
he's for me. mine.
i don't NEED another dog, no, of course not.
Pixel is my active, running, chasing, comical, cheerleader dog.
Sake will be my fussy, fragile, complicated, aloof constant companion.
(he'll fit in seamlessly with Geisha.)

i want this, for me.
selfish? absoloutely.
& i might try it again.
(not by get a third dog, but by doing something just for me.)

at any rate....
i'm going to a nutritionist, as per my neuropsychologist.
it's a way to get hold of my control on my body that i'm so used to, but in a better way. no more deprivation, i'll get a better way to control it, a healthy way.
i hope it works; i will try.
only organic popcorn & green tea for a day made my stomach hurt so bad it woke me up at 2 am. i haven't been that bad since i was a self-loathing teen, trying to sleep through stomach pains, unable to lay on my stomach cos it was a giant empty bubble.

my mom asked me, again, "what did i do to you to make you like this?"
i was reading an MS website about constant pain & how yes, it effects 48% of MS patients. i said "it's nothing you did, it's been a build-up all along & now we just deal with it."
she didn't respond. i think my mom needs a shrink too.

i wonder if she had anxiety attacks. i'm in the midst of one everyday, it just sits in my stomach, nauseating me. i wish i could find a way to beat it down without drugging the hell out of myself. i want to feel life....just not like this.

why am i awake?

2006-11-08T05:51:00.000-08:00

my sleep has been skewed since my IV steroid infusions, patched with sleep aides & soured by daily naps. suddenly i am awake at 4am, like clockwork, sleep meds or no.
this morning i was awake with a massive gnawing hunger in my gut, since green tea & organic popcorn do not a dinner make. i quelled the beast with strawberry kiwi yogurt.

my Grandma works in the rectory of her beloved Catholic church, & is a bit of a keeper of the priest, Father Jim. i'm not Catholic or any denomination otherwise, but i love Fr. Jim. he's got Parkinson's, & it's slowly stealing who he is, as such diseases will do. he calls me daily with kind words when i am in a relapse, & sends his love & support with my Grandma when she'll see me.
she told me his sleep is sketchy too, but when he's awake at 4am, he gets up & goes to his office across the street & works. then he'll cat nap later as the day progresses.
i'm following this tactic today. we'll see how i do.

maybe i'll lay off the tea. i drank about 10 cups of green tea with toasted brown rice yesterday, right up until bedtime. i outta find a decaf version. duh.

i've had a burning pain in my back for a couple days now, as well as the flesh on my right side being sensitive & burning, although it really isn't. it's my nerves & their false messages, but i fret it's another relapse slowing sneaking back. the tingling in my palms sometimes increases in waves, & intensifies in my feet when i bend my head down. trying not to worry, but i'm supposed to be aware of what my body's doing these days.

i realized i have a kick ass camera i am just sitting on here at home, sans battery pack. well, it's got a dead one, but finding the right model # to fit the thing has been a task. i'll add it to the list of things to do today, on top of my neuropsych. appointment. it's always fun to drone on for 2 hours about my ridiculous thoughts & neurotic worries about my disease. i'm literally hoarse after a session.

i'm yawning. time to give bed another shot.

japanese chin in my dojo?

2006-11-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

i spent today not doing a lot, similar to most other days.
this weekend i emailed a woman regarding a displace Japanese Chin she is fostering. the dog was so adorable, & so like a Papillon that i have been staring at pictures of.

of course i have my Pixel to keep me company & make me laugh. i've found myself wanting another dog, a small dog, more & more since i fostered an elderly Chihuahua this summer. (i called him Mr. Chihuahuahead since he didn't answer to much.)

even though he was a raggedy, smelly guy, Mr. Wowowhead's tenacity, coming from such a small form was a lot of fun to have around. Pixel got along as best she could with the little guy. really it was he who didn't want to play her silly puppy games, but in the end, no one can resist Pixel's charm.

my application for the little dog goes before comitee this week, & hopefully they find me suitable. (!) me?! i can't think of anything i more than spoiling a dog!
i suppose a stranger doesn't see that about me when we first meet.

Thursday! is the deciding day....can't wait!

Osaka:

whom we shall call

Sake!

my babies.

2006-11-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

(this post is reflective & a little tear-jerky, so be forewarned.)

it's been rough around here, lately.
it's a stretch to make the rent, i'm on hold for hours a week with the disability office, & i have $26 in my checking account. depressive bouts, insomnia & numbness in my limbs are a daily occurrence.
but i realized, no matter how shitty my luck can be, i've always had one thing that gets me through. thinking to myself sometimes,'what makes me most happy, what could lift this weight from me right now?' the answer has always been: animals.
MY animals.

i look back at how i got to here....2006, Berkeley, 3 hip surgeries & a self-made careeer. & even though it was 8 years...it seems like i can't recall any memorable moments that i went through on my way here without thinking of Gambit having been there.

he was my first dog that was MINE, not the family dog my mom took care of, not a dog that was left in the yard for my dad to train. he was my shadow, his eyes always trained on me & his ears tuned to wherever i was. any decisions i made about my life always included him.

it took 5 years of begging & some failed rescue dog attempts before my dad finally allowed me a puppy, & we discussed the size & breed seriously. we decided on the Australian shepherd, which i had never considered before. i was suddenly obsessed.

i saved 3 paychecks from my measly veterinary assistant job, & scoured the newspaper, then internet for an Australian shepherd. specifically, a red merle.
i found a wonderful woman who was in the area with an entire litter, & i had my pick. she had 2 red merles, but when i picked him up & saw those mismatched, marbley eyes, my fate was sealed. i named him Gambit, after the X-Men character i collected.

i was 17 & Gambit was 9 weeks, & it was a battle of wills until he was 2 years old. after that, we were inseparable. it was as if everything i was trying to teach him prior to that suddenly made sense to him. i could talk to him like a person, & he understood. i could ask a question, & he could answer with woofs & whines & the most expressive face i've ever seen on a dog.

he made it through the roughest of years with me, when i moved out of my parent's house & switched jobs. Gam was my closest friend & the one i cried on, the one who was always there. when i moved again & lived in places that seemed so unfriendly & lonesome, Gambit made those places seem like home.

when i was 22, a friend called about a siamese kitty who needed a home. i hadn't had a cat since i was young, & he stayed at my mom's house, all but shunning me when i visited. my dad had always insisted cats went outside! so i was excited at having a housecat.

she came to us in a whirlwind of blue eyes & claws. she hissed at Gambit, attacked hands that went to pet her & executed kamikaze dive bombs on my face in the middle of the night.
i thought, 'oh great, i got a terror of a cat!' i named her Geisha Hatsuemomo for the villainous geisha in the book Memoirs of a Geisha.

the day i brought her home from being spayed, i thought i should keep her separate from Gambit & close her in a bedroom. when i did, she cried & mewed until he was allowed in.
and then we were 3. :)

this was my family unit outside of my Mom & Dad's house for the past 5 years.
Geisha matured into a cuddly, funny cat who hid under the covers for a majority of the day. Gambit grew steadily chubby after my accident when i broke my hip, as his walks were cut shorter & shorter. regardless, he waited patiently through my 2 hour commutes every night, never complaining & his sense of humor never failing.

when we moved Berkeley, i hoped our small, 2 room apartment was temporary. my boyfriend at the time & i contemplated getting a house to rent; i eagerly promised Gambit a backyard of his own. no more leashed walks to go potty in the rain, & he could get to eat all the messy bones he wanted in our own grass!

but then, Gambit suddenly developed a massive infection & tracheal abscess the next month after a simple dental procedure. he was unable to breath comfortabley, eat or drink, or even settle down to sleep as a hematoma grew in his throat. i rushed him from one vet clinic to another, following a chain of specialists i knew from work, coming to the surgery & internists last. they hurried him off for diagnostics, but came back with news i was dreading, but expecting. i waited for the internist to tell me she had found a mass in the back of his throat. a tracheostomy was the only way he would be able to breathe through any possible work up or surgery, & it was no guarantee.

the decision was mind-numbing, but it was something ingrained in my mind. i had watched so many animals suffer at their owner's behest, although the pet would never lead the same comfortable, happy life they once enjoyed. i made up my mind when Gambit was young that i would never put him through such pain to ease my own suffering at the loss of him.

so, trembling & inconsolable, i agreed to euthanize him. my mother, unable to keep herself together, left me alone with Gambit. he laid on an exam table, under anesthesia to relieve his stressful breathing. it seemed appropriate that he come to an end in a place we had spent so many hours when he came to work with me. when they gave the injection & removed the tube; my best friend Lisa flew into the room immediately after. we hugged Gam's hulking, lifeless body, crying & kissing his motionless muzzle & petting his once expressive ears.

the days & weeks that followed were empty & difficult. i took a day off from work, but went back the next day, unable to stay in the apartment without him there. his toys still scattered about, a dent still in his bed from where he had lain the night before. Geisha changed from hiding under the covers to sleeping in it from then on.i felt like she knew he was gone. she has became suddenly clingy, constantly jumping into my lap & purring without prompting.

now Gam's ashes are sealed in cedar on a shelf in my bedroom & i keep his ID tags on my keychain. my family & friends knew it was like the loss of any other friend, & were supportive & helpful when i mentioned 'someday' getting another dog. i cried when i was alone in the dark, in bed. his face, which i knew almost as well as my own, haunted my dreams.

just before i would wake up, Gambit would be there in my dream, his clear, mismatched eyes gazing up at me. normally a talkative boy, he was eerily silent. i held him in my arms, stroked his head & begged him not to leave me. i could feel consciousness pulling me back, & i would sob my goodbyes until i was awake. sometimes, i woke up with tears on my pillow.

2 months passed, & i realized i could stand it no more. i needed a dog.
the 8 years Gambit spent in my life were the years that i did the most growing & becoming my own person. i didn't remember myself before him.
a dog in my life, everyday, was part of who i have become.

i tried Australian Shepherd rescues, & was upset when they turned me down for lack of a backyard. i scoured other rescue sites online, put in inquiries all over the state about Aussie mixes. i went to meet a few, & soon found the Milo Foundation very close by. i made an appointment to met a male Aussie mix who was smaller in size compared to what Gambit had been. i thought he might fare better in the apartment. our leashed walk around the neighborhood showed me little of the dog's personality, other than his aggression to cats. disappointed, i put him back in his crate & turned to leave.

i was about to leave when my friend who accompanied me said, "What about the spreckly -faced dog over there?" peering into the crate, my eyes met the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen on a dog. they were accompanied by a dog-smile of shining white teeth & a fancy, curling white tail. the volunteer let me walk her, & when we came back offered, "Do you want to foster her for a week & see how it goes?"

at home, while the freshly washed puppy swam in the blankets on my bed & said 'good night!' with a wag of her tail, it only took that one night for me to decide.

and so, was Pixel.

sweet, sensitive, & endlessly eager to please, Pixel was a burst of sunshine in my grey-skied life. although there was a little potty training to deal with, she picked up everything i taught her flawlessly. she's become in-tune with my routine just like Gambit did, a trait i loved so much. she also plays gentley with Geisha, who took some time to warm up to the boisterous new puppy. now they snuggle & groom one another like old friends. & best of all, true to any dog someone cares to love, Pixel is endlessly loyal & ceaselessly affectionate.

my dreams of Gambit persisted for a few weeks, even with Pixel in my life. one morning,i found myself in the same dream, but was shaken by the different outcome. Gambit's once familiar face, gazing up at me as usual, was speckled with black spots.
he got up & left my lap despite my pleads for him to stay.
panicked, i mentioned it to my closest friend & my brother's fiancee later that day. they both had the same reply: maybe this was Gambit's way of telling me to let him go, Pixel is here for me now.

i haven't had a saddening dream of him since.

Pixel has been an important part of my rehab since my MS attacks. getting her out & thoroughly exercised gets me out in the sunshine, makes my muscles work & just as Gam had been, is my reason to get out of bed some days. we've gone to beaches & the redwoods, taken car trips to Oregon with our friends,& haven't had a day we didn't enjoy somehow.

when i tell people the story of how i came to have Pixel, it always starts with Gambit. i then talk about Pixel's important position in my life, as my grief counselor. most people chuckle, but it couldn't be more true. not only in helping me work through my loss, but through bad days, hospital stays, & being the one to lick my face when i fall down & make me smile.

i wish everyone had someone so positive, loyal & loving behind them. even if that someone has 4 legs.

halloween'd.

2006-10-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

no Halloween for me this year. Pixel gobbled a hank of hair out of my black wig, & really, who hasn't seen me dressed in my purple kimono?
i remember being young, when my mom was still a housewife & handmade all my costumes. waiting until it got dark & begging my dad to let me stay out with my friends til 8:30(!)
Halloween as an adult always equates to being drunk & dressed up. being drunk is out of my scope of activities these days anyhow. my brother & Mandy are taking the nieces to the mall for trick or treating, maybe i'll tag along. seems the thing to do, watch the kids enjoy it like it's supposed to be enjoyed.

in other news, i realized i really have to get on my hip replacement's revision before i'm out of kick ass benefits. this means within the next 6 months i'll have the whole damn thing renovated. it's like planning to be handicapped-- really, how does one best prepare? i have an appointment with the orthopedist on the 15th, so i guess that's as good a start as any. (eeeeek!)

on top of that, i'm working with a metabolic bone specialist to salvage whatever bone density i can in the meantime, before they go grinding more out.

i wonder if i was always destined to age & come apart so prematurely. i mean, i wasn't too careful with my health, but i have friends & family that really ravage themselves & their healthy as horses! it makes me feel a little bit like i've wasted a lot of time hymning & hawing around when i should have enjoyed the time i was trouble free to the maximum. one musn't waste more time regretting, but it's definitely a thought.

here's my future in a nutshell, just throw a herding dog or two in there.

c'est la fucking vie!

by default, i got up early!

2006-10-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

ok so the time change is the only reason i got up early.
but after spending 6 hours driving to & from Northern California with my mom yesterday, i have a slew of ideas about things to do:

-housecleaning (is endless)
-laundry (is bottomless)
-wash Pixel, then apply flea preventitive
-sewing! (the hands are working well, albeit shakey)
-finish FAFSA paperwork & send it off!

this stuff will take plenty of the day, i'm sure. i still can't manage to get through a task without sitting down & spacing out for a bit. not to mention some Pixel walking in there somewhere....

ok, my blueberry wheat waffles (that i burnt) are gone, time to get to work!

maiming time.

2006-10-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

....because i'm hardly killing it.

school starts in January, leaving me the next 2 months yawning in front of me.
thankfully, my hands are slowly coming back to life. i'm able to feel the cat's fur under my palm, & my own hair feels slick & soft like it's supposed to. (it was feeling like Brillo pad, which trust me, it really does not.) while this progress, i need to feel 100% normal before i will let down my guard against this exacerbation.

my Dad is particularly supportive of my recovery, which gives me a sense of ease that it's really ok to relax & just do nothing right now. my hands were limiting the activities around to fill the time, so it was nice to have some company this week other than Pixel & Geisha.

my old roommate Kerstin & i have mended our fractured friendship recently. she came down from Sacramento & spent the night last night. we had sushi at Kirala, rented Miyuzaki anime movies, & chatted about nothing in particular like old times. while there's still a tinge of sadness about having missed so much in each other's lives (she got married & got a new horse, i got a hip replacement & my beloved dog she knew passed away to name a few) it's still fun to joke & be silly like we used to.

when she left this morning after a big breakfast at La Note(les oeufs Lucas are always so good!) i was a little saddened. a familiar fatigue crept up on me & i ended up napping on top of my duvet for 3 hours. i called Andy & we took the dogs to the trails on Skyline to run some energy out of them, & the sun set behind us.
i wasted a whole day, again! other than breakfast & a dog walk, i got little else done.

not having a job to define me & fill my time is a tough thing get a grip on. i've worked at least one job since i was 17, & there was always a sense of pride in telling people what i do. my Dad said to me, 'you've got to find something to fill your time & work your brain. school will be your new job when it comes time."
if only i could convey my Dad's conviction in text....

so tomorrow: be productive. get something done.

opening move.

2006-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

i woke up at 4 am on June 19th of this year with the inability to move the left side of my body.

3 weeks in 2 hospitals, a course of IV steroids & physical therapy later, i was given the tenative diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.

2 months later, i am preparing to go back to my job at a pharmaceutical corporation, part time at first. i am there 4 days, Monday through Thursday, when i begin to feel sick again. numbness & fatigue were increasing down the right side of my body over the weekend. the following Monday i called in sick again, then & went to see the neurologist's nurse. she prescribed a IV steroid infusion to begin the next day. i didn't get that far.

4 am rolled around early that morning with the same paralysis & panic. the emergency room doctor started the steroids & sent me home; my friend called my parents & we gathered in my tiny living room. it was decided there would be no going back to work, the stress was an obvious catalyst. i can carry out my plan to return to school in January, we would address work when my symptoms had resolved 100%. no pushing it, no rush, just relax & heal.

so here i am.
this is me attempting to heal.
i have 3 lesions on the pareital lobe of my brain & an incidental cyst (that may or may not affect anything). my limbs have taken 5 weeks to slowly return to working order, save for my hands.
my hands shake & don't communicate sensations to my brain correctly. while they've significantly improved, writing is a chore & an embarrassment. folding laundry results in crooked piles of shirts too wide to fit in the drawer, & make-up application takes a sense of humor to endure. i can only feel extreme hot or cold on my palms with some delay.

the mind-bending dilemma begins here. (well....i suppose it's been hanging out since this all began.)
am i now an advocate? how do i address life as i knew it?
i've spent most of my days in my apartment since i first came home from the hospital. i am endlessly lucky to have a barrage of friends & a strong supportive family getting me through this. as i am scan the local city college course catalogue of pre-req's, i wonder if i was really happy with my job in biotech. did i like it well enough to commit my entire education to it?

i've decided it was the people i worked with that kept me from thoroughly enjoying my work, as well as the suffocating confines of the small department i specialize in. going back to school will open up some doors & raise the hypothetical ceiling, but the timeframe is just as daunting.

lying the hospital on a steroid drip, i had realized i hadn't done a thing on my mental list of 'things to do', the one who's real purpose is just to make me feel accomplished. the only thing holding me back from getting started?

myself. & all my procrastinating.

so while all this is frightening, fueling uncertainty & anxiety, i'm doing my best to squash all that down & meet the challenge head on. now for muddling through the waiting period until school starts & my hands come back to life......