7:38 PM

i ate too moishe.

usually, i sing this song for my husband. tonight? it's all mine. oof.
noooo more turkey, until next year. maybe not even then. i'll have Thai green curry with tofu, or something equally as lovely & flavorful. just NOT turkey.

we attacked the kitchen with gusto today. having run the dishwasher twice on Thursday, we "left things to soak" yesterday. i finally couldn't handle the amount of turkey grease on everything, so i loaded the dishwasher one la
st time; now it's clean & waiting for J. to unload it. [we're a team; he cooks = i clean. i load the thing = he unloads it.] i furiously de-greased & Soft Scrubbed the counters. i was just preparing to mop the floor when he comes in with the mail bearing an Amazon.com box. what is it?!

it's a gift for me, he says.[although he said we weren't doing Xmas gifts, the property taxes were just too rough.] did i want it now of for Xmas?

NOW, of course.
[le duh]
& it's a pink DS lite! hooray! i'm happy as a clam. the screen colors are so bright, the graphics so clear! not to mention the weight-- it's so...Lite!

& thank you, Nintendo, for upgrading the stylis to a heftier size that adult hands can wield without evoking a major cramp. when my hands are utterly on the MS-fritz, a was forced to use a stylis that was intended for rub-ons, since the tiny one that came with the original DS fell through my numb fingers. wow, did that ever make me grouchy.
J. goes about making a new town on his copy of Animal Crossing WW, so that he can visit my town, using the pre-exsisting DS. ha. now we're nerd central & lovin' it.

we leave on Thursday for our mini-honeymoon to a B&B in Mendacino, & i'm pretty excited. i wish we had a more decent camera to document with. i'm thinking of asking about mom's old film cam, which used to awesome at one point in time. i think i can still make it go. film is so romantic, anyhow. ;)

hopefully it's not too raining & freezing up there. if it is-- it's our honeymoon. there's plenty of indoor activities to do!

10:10 PM

oh, hello auntumn.

i realize it gets 'real live cold' in other places, but deng it's cold right now.
maybe it just seems worse since i lose feeling in my hands on & off all day & they feel falsely colder than they really are. i always ask J. to check them to see if they're really cold, or it's just the MS effing with me.
although, our lovely wall of windows in the living room did little to retain any warmth in the place today. i moved the canary to the hallway, it was just too cold out there for him. no relaxing in the birdy bath today, dewd!

the trip to Ikea paid off amazingly with the new dresser. i'm so happy to see the heaps of clothes slowly disappearing. our bathroom is once again ours! not just a walk-in hamper. i daresay i'm almost enjoying doing the laundry, now that it will have a place to be put away! gasp!

especially as Thanksgiving creeps up, with our party of 8 people in attendance, i'll be tickled to not have the heaps crammed in our closet, straining against the door. oh, thank you Ikea. for once you have lived up to your reputation.

on the knitting front, the 2 skeins of deep green alpaca yarn i bought were MIA for 2 days. i started on a silky blend of who knows what that i bought at Fred Meyer in Portland last year to practice once more & the alpaca appeared in the box of stuff emptied out of the truck when i sold it. hooray! alpaca: found!

right off, i thrust it at J. & told him to pet the skein. see? it's sooo soft!
i yelped, hopefully explaining why i was pouting so much at it's absence.
he oohed at the touch of it. he humors me so well.

lastly, today was my 3rd Tysabri infusion. i was whimpering last night at the familiar, painful grip on my neck & shoulders that MS likes to have on me. truly the nicest people either work at or are getting chemo at this infusion center. they all wanted to see our wedding pics (which i loaded on my ipod last night just for them) & we parted with hugs & well wishes, since for 2 of them it was their last round of chemo. hopefully, all of our conditions remain on the upswing.

12:16 AM

Ikea ahoy!

after a disappointingly short & almost senseless social security "neurological exam", J & i headed to breakie & the bookstore, then to Ikea to get some things.
[more on the ss exam later. pffrt.]
we're swimming in displaced laundry in our bedroom. we have a great sized closet, but no place to put folded-type things. underwear & socks don't stay on hangers, so we finally got a dresser.
i actually went there for something to help with my craft supplies clutter in the office, but never found the style of dresser i saw online. i'm apt to just giving up & finding something else at Ikea. the place can easily trigger a panic attack in me or some similar heinous feeling that's attributed to my MS [dizziness, racing thoughts.]
luckily, J. was right there helping me out.
i was quite pleased to see Ikea is incorporating dark wood into their designs. i loathe most light wood stains, & more so the icky laminates Ikea likes to slap on particle board. we found this dresser for $250, & i snapped it up with glee:

we also got a tall, pub-type table use for Thanksgiving seating, which will thereafter become my sewing/crafty table. the dining area table will return to it's intended function, & hopefully help ease my messes from mucking up the living room. :) lastly, a baker's rack type deal was snagged to help organize the sparse bathroom that's "for guests" when we have them, but mainly is The Pet Bathroom.

the cat box, water & food bowls along with the kitty's supplies & Sake's whiz pads live there. i ended up hiding them in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. yes, it was ridiculous & i felt lame digging the bag o' litter from the tub when i change the cat box. now it's all neatly filed on the lower glass shelves. a few knicky-knacks & a small vase of dried lavender makes it look homey. i'm pretty happy.

what is it about organization that soothes me [& others i know!] so well?
J. knows this calming secret & does his best to accommodate me. he immediately went to work on assembling all these things while i was Whole Foods with my mom, getting
Thanksgiving dinner in order. the dresser was a million pieces when i left & is so pretty all put together. we're both so drained from today, so filling said thing is slated for tomorrow. [along with Pixel's bath, in the now clutter-free tub!]

as for the social security "exam", i am utterly deflated about this system.
i don't know what i was expecting. here's what i encountered:
the address was close by, & led us to a bar-windowed door crammed between Kaiser & a bank. i followed the instructions on the buzzer & took a decrepit elevator up one floor. it might as well have been a freight elevator; scratched & dented stainless steel lined & slower than pudding. the office has colorless, stained carpet with mismatched folding chairs & a fresh out of high school receptionist who couldn't be less interested in being there on a Saturday morning.

when i read the framed degree & HIPPA warnings on the wall, my eyes came to rest on a certificate. this thing certifies Dr.Iforgothisname, who is a CHIROPRACTOR, to do DMV & SS exams. my eyes bulged a little. WTF?

Dr.Iforgothisname was a quiet, slim Asian guy that eased my nervousness. although his tone & facial expression never changed, he was non-threatening & that made me feel ok. he did an exam that was on par with every ambulance ride i have ever taken involving my MS. an EMT could've administered this thing. i offered the manufacturer's approval of my Tysabri infusions, as well as a DVD of my cranial, thoracic & lumbar MRI study (with & without contrast.) he skimmed the report & tells me he doesn't have a computer in the office, the DVD does nothing for him. inwardly, i am sputtering. THIS is how one decides if i truly have a disabling disease?

Dr.Iforgothisname follows the protocol he was certified for to a T. he does not indulge my offerings for more information on my symptoms or even further information on my relapses severity & frequency. he seems interested in my hip replacement for a second, commenting i am young for that. i mention the osteopenia & arterial necrosis & he scribbles it down. no further questions on that front. any other medical diseases, etc.? i mention my L'Hermittes sign to him & he blandly tells me that's part of MS.
NO SHIT. i have MS, i know a bit about it, thanks. (of course i didn't say that.)

i'm out of the office in 35 minutes. he will write a report to the SS office of his "findings" [?!?!-!!?] & they will contact me in about 6 weeks. i meet J. in the lobby & am a little exasperated. what does that guy know about neurological maladies & autoimmune disease that makes his opinion important enough to decide my fate?
J. assures me we have an excellent case for appeal if it comes down to it.

that sand-filled feeling of fatigue mixed with uncertainty hung on until we got to the bookstore, where i went a little bananas & bought cards, a book & a calendar.
it's been an expensive, busy day. i'm off to read my book about mutants in bed, with my probably already snoring husband.

social security & monetary worries aside, my life is a sugar cookie. i'm madly, wholly, passionately in love with my husband, our life, our marriage. our home, pets,
routines, friends, & family make me feel blissful & utterly lucky for what i have.
i just have to say it here. i'm incredibly lucky -- blessed, if you will-- & i appreciate every crumb of it.

7:28 PM


is it odd that i felt guilty for selling my truck?
oh well-- i got a CRV! room for us & the kids & stuff & omg!
i walked in there to look- how did i leave with a car?! it was rad.
i never thought i could do that. me! i can't wait to have & put my
Totoro dangley on the rearview mirror.

8:33 PM

we eat our way through the weekends.

J. has been lamenting how he wants to get back to the gym & train like he did before.
i feel the same way he does, only riding horses & hiking with the dog was what kept me feeling best. we're fairly well fueled for such activities; you should see the fare my husband creates weekend mornings. his brother was with us one such morning & was def. impressed!

we had friends over for more breakfast this morning: fresh mozzarella, tomato & basil omelets with turkey bacon & hash browns (plus green onions in there!) i consistently clear these plates he serves, which are always generously piled. we have got to find some exercise for us to enjoy! i doubt i would last long in a muay thai boxing gym, tho.....

should we put J. on a horse?

maybe we should try golf.

11:11 PM


i'm slowly working through my list of thank you cards to write to our wedding guests & the people who helped make it possible. what's taking so long? my love of crafting.

my hand writing is still suffering from my previous MS attacks & shows every jitter of my hands. i have been typing the notes in handwriting-ish font, printing, trimming & adhering them in a variety of cards. not to mention addressing the envelopes the same way. i've gotten another 4 done tonight...16 more to go! ackk! if only had more creative ability during daylight hours...

i also have a few ideas brewing for Xmas gifts, since it's going to be especially snug around here, financially. ohmigosh, i wish i could write about my ideas, but you never know who reads these things, & i'd bawl if they found their presents out early! i'll have to keep it on the DL for now...

the same goes for the ideas i have about the house...not the sneaky part, the wishing for the juices to flow during daylight hours. i generally snooze those away after i've gotten up & showered. my energy is just sapped between noon & 2:30pm. paint colors, decorating, organizing ideas, *gasp!*
i gotta write this stuff down....so i'm going to. my notebook doth beckon.

10:50 AM

robin's egg blue.

it's not a secret that i have an affinity for bird nests in general.
i'm warped back to my childhood where i brought home such outdoor goodies as acorns & of course, bird nests, to my mom. she displayed them along the fence on the patio.

so last night, with my husband softly snoring against my shoulder, my mind was wandering about paint colors. how bird nests came into play? i want to make a collage/shadow box with one, eggs included. that's when the robin's eggs came in.
robin's egg blue! specifically the American Robin's egg.

i don't know if robins in England or wherever have different blue-hued eggs, but the color i'm favoring via Googling pics are all labeled 'American robin', specifically. J. had been reluctant in my interest in the blue & brown color scheme, since brown reminds him of "the 70's". not wanting him to blanch every time he enters our bedroom, i'll pick the more pleasing of the 2 shades & go from there!

secondly, our wedding gifts from Parsnip & The Husband arrived last week, & we couldn't be more excited. for J, there was the toaster/egg cooker combo he picked out. he gets up early to make english muffin/egg/Jimmy Dean! sandwiches. (there's english muffin gravel on his computer stool as i type) he's utterly pleased.

for me, there was: The Sewing Machine.
my first Singer, & it is so adorable. my mind reeled with the thoughts of quilts to finish & obscure dollies to create. responsibly, i decided i must finish my thank you card project first. my paper cutter & stationary gadget boxes are cluttering the dining room table, & dragging out the fabric heaps would just create more chaos.

currently stationed on the other end of the dining table, it sits pristinely, aching to be used. ok, the aching is all my own, but i am excited. oh, & i'm reading the directions. i want to know that machine inside & out! an excursion to Barnes & Noble with the dogs is in order, to camp in the aisle & peruse sewing books.
& we're off!

11:04 PM

married married married,

oh, did you think that your life was going to change radically?

no, no. i hoped i could maybe use some of this sheer delight to help catapult me to finish something, feel productive again. on the brighter side, other than being newly married to one of the most fantastic people i've ever met, i pulled off the most beautiful wedding in little more than 2 months. now if only i could get the house to stay clean for more than 8 hours...

we've decided to stay home for Thanksgiving this year. my aunt who lives well up into Northern California has bravely invited the entire family to her digs for the dinner.
at first i was into the idea, but the reality of traveling 4 hours in my ill-functioning truck with things packed for an overnight trip....not finding pet care for Geisha & Tamago....the odds piled up well enough for me to shirk it. while i still have to call my aunt (who, um, doesn't know i'm married yet either. :[) J. is excited at the idea of staying home & attempting the turkey-ing himself. with a $100 gift certificate to Sur La Table burning a hole in my sock drawer, i think we can pan out a decent meal.

we've invited a few friends who don't have tables to grace, as well as J's brother.
both boys were raised JW, & are now finding out what everyone else does for holidays.
i told J. we can make up our own traditions as we go along. :)

the first Thxgiving at our house is a good start. besides....what's a family gathering without my dogs?!

9:26 PM

i was married.

ok, the title is ala a Tegan & Sara song, but it rings so true.
i was married on October 27th 2007. i think the pictures will speak for me best.

i came down a small hill terraced with stone steps. my father helped me down, telling me i looked like Our Lady of Fatima. my dad's not an overly emotional guy, but the tinge of love in his voice did not escape me. he gave me away to Jeremy at the foot of a wooden bridge, crossing over a koi pond. we were married with family, friends, turtles & koi looking on.

i kissed my new husband 3 times, in front of everyone. lipstick everywhere & he was smiling at me obliviously. i could only laugh at swipe at it. there was still glitter all over him.

the reception was fun, just like any old dinner with friends. J's brother & best man gave a speech that choked him up. Lisa, my maid of honor & best friend followed suit.
i couldn't wait for the cake!

vanilla cake, raspberry layers, butter cream frosting & fondant flowers--
just for us! (& gluten too! caution hit the wind that day.)

i get to be one of those who remembers her wedding fondly, not a snag to our day.
no dancing, no silly wedding games, just us & friends, talking & enjoying the moment.
it went by extremely fast, but everyone agreed it was really beautiful.

12:46 PM

new famblie.

i know, the last thing this girl needs is another pet. but i can't help myself--
i love them so much!

on Saturday we will be joined by a male Waterslager canary. [the name means 'water beat' for their song] i am impatiently waiting for Petsmart.com to deliver his cage! otherwise, we're stocked to the hilt for birdie. v. exciting!
J. asks, 'will you be cleaning his cage?'
*scoff!* was my reply. i like doing animal husbandry, esp. for little things in cages. i likened the replacing of food, toys, etc. to having a doll house as a kid. it's so fun to rearrange & care for. so he is happy & excited for birdie as well, which of course makes me glow.

& did i mention? i'm getting married next weekend. already! it came so fast!
my biggest anxiety is that things won't be ready in time, or fall on schedule.
oh gosh, & the weather! rain has crept in! normal things to fret for, i know.

i picked up J's ring & gave it to him on Wednesday. it's completely perfect for him, as it was designed & handmade to be just so! he puts it on & marvels at it, disbelieving what it will mean & that it is his. i do love that boy, so much.

on the medical angle, dare i say it? the Tysabri hasn't killed me, but rather seems to be working. i had an ataxic gait & weakness on the left side....4 days post infusion? gone. if only the next infusion takes away the numbness & tingling in my hands...i'll be sold!

time to get moving. still in my pj's here.

9:24 PM

another weekend rolls over me.

instead of being excited for the weekends as a break from the work week like regular peebles, i perk up at the chance to have Jeremy around for 2 full days. he gets to sleep in with me, i have him to talk to & run errands with, & he's just plain ol' excellent company. when he's home, i'm much less prone to sleeping in til 3pm, or rolling over to stare at the wall & let waves of bitterness wash over me. (i only do that when i'm for sure alone, & it doesn't last more then 10 minutes at most. honest!)

on Saturday we went Hakone Gardens as planned & happily scoped out the wedding site. he loves the place & we were even more giddy with delight at the prospect of being married there. he even enjoyed watching the turtles in the koi pond, pointing out the baby turtles before i did.

snags thus far? a few.
my mom has volunteered to be the contact point on most things, ie: catering, flowers (of course) etc. but being my mom, things fall to the way side & she has been fibbing about what actually has been done. (growl) please-- if you can't do something like you thought you could, cop to it early. i learned this from my days of taking on too much at Chiron. (growl again)

taking a deep breath & moving on, i found a restaurant just down the road that Hakone is on to take all 15 of our wedding party (which is just half the people who will be in attendance for the wedding!) for the rehearsal dinner. it's general American-type fare with a 'wild & organic twist.' they've got seared tuna on the menu which i love, so i'm sold. Jeremy is his usual 'reed in the wind' self, which is ever so helpful. although he was looking forward to seeing his dad's wife pitch a fit about being brought to a sushi bar (our first choice.)

my mom keeps goading me about 'the larger ceremony later', & at this point, i might leave it at our little mini ceremony & hand out trading cards of the wedding. this planning shit isn't so fun, because all the reminders that 'this is OUR wedding' are overruled by straight-laced grandmothers, religious zealot in-laws, family members who won't eat anything outside of Italian food or meat & potatoes, having to keep divorced parents separated, etc.

le sigh!!

i'm doing my best to remember that my parents want me to be happy with the wedding, & no matter what the end result is going to be exactly what i wanted--
i'll be married to the most amazing guy in the world. :)

1:06 PM

fish fingers.

i've got another week until my consultation appointment for my Tysabri infusions.since being off steroids & the beta inferon injections for a little 'wash out period',i've been experiencing a plethora of odd symptoms, mainly manifesting in my arms & hands. all of which range from completely annoying to fricking painful.

the current feeling is liken to having your hands in cool water for a long time. a little achey, feeling bloodless, & hard to move. Jeremy listens to my descriptions & watches flex & waggle my fingers as if i could see the problem. he holds my hands as if he could do the same, feel the problem, to no avail of course.

we're heading to the south bay in a bit to pick up my veil & hang out with J's brother Nate & Cousin Jan. (he gets the whole title) hopefully we have time to swing by Hakone Gardens, since Jeremy hasn't even seen where we're getting married yet. thankfully the truck is still clean enough to have someone else besides the dogs & i in it. (we care very little about it's aesthetics, Pixel, Sake & i.)

ugh, typing this is laborious, & typos from twitching fingers make me growl inwardly. i suppose a shower & a go with the flat iron might make me feel human....
it's the little things.

11:48 AM

it's dusty in here.

i know it.
i abandoned this blog for nearly a year!
so much has changed i can hardly type it all.
i'll just bring it up to present, & we'll go from there.

i now live in Oakland & i am engaged to an amazing boy that i have known all along.
i guess it took time & circumstance for my eyes to see him this way-- as the one person i want to spend my life with.

you're thinking wait wait wait! it's been barely a year & now you're moved in & engaged?! yes. in fact it's been 4 months since we got together, moved in together & decided to get married. the wedding is in October-- this October. aka: next month! i rarely know what i want so clearly. all we have done has felt so right.
i'm not afraid, in fact, i feel more sure of what i'm doing because he's by my side, come what may.

in other news, my MS is being a real bitch. i've gone through the battery of beta-interferon meds to no avail. more relapses & elevated liver enzymes leave me little choices left for therapies. all that's left is the scariest drugs, that are IV infused once a month. i'm typing this now with clumsy, numb fingers that are painfully tight feeling, a constant reminder that this is real. i only hope the Tysabri is my miracle drug.....i have no choices left.


3:12 PM

pack it up.

i'm not apartment shopping with Joshe until tomorrow, but i bought boxes today to get the dismantling of my place underway. i realize what a collage my apartments are when i go to take them apart, it's almost a little painful.
i took the dogs to the UC campus to burn some energy & now here we all are, feeling snoozy & staring at one another. there's plenty to do, packing aside, but it seems like all i want to do is lay down. i'll regret it later, so i'm holding off.

school starts next week, so Mondays, Wednesdays & Thursdays will have a little productive outcomes than most other days. it makes leaving Berkeley a little harder, cos here i am doing what i really intended to be here for & i'm opting out!
remember, it's for my health & it's not permanent. hrmmph. i wonder what will ever be permanent these days.